May 14, 2025  |    Leave a comment  |    Home

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical growth-slash-luxury housing calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're speaking Damascus, town historically noted for historical society, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be remarkable. Remarkable!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed with the putting green within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. Some of the very best. But now, we are making them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and totally away from location. Designed by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A 3-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • And also a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 several years for potable drinking water. But Of course, guaranteed, let us have One more put wherever American Guys can use robes and connect with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are contacting this by far the most audacious peace attempt due to the fact Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though earlier negotiations unsuccessful underneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is easier: offer Everybody a suite to the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


Based on documents released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is soft electrical power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a agreement in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock requirements much less diplomats plus much more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every single unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire pointed out, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower inside a war zone. It is really that he should really end applying it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regards to the undertaking, replied, "You know, person, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Very good persons. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as Trump Tower Damascus "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory in the Levant."



Satellite Photos Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the resort's landscaping forms a giant Trump head seen from Room, a function remaining marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents plus the chin is… perfectly, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits soon after locating the setting up's gold plating reflected a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fire to an area melon cart.


"It can be not only ugly. It's a war crime with curtains," reported Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Complicated Features


Probably the strangest element with the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium wherever guests may contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with local weather Command established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Neighborhood Syrians are Not sure what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-12 months-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Technique: "In case you Bomb It, They'll Come"


The ad campaign, recently leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Without end."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll conducted inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% claimed "wherever's the nearest elevator on the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is now attracting awareness from Worldwide buyers, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll invest in a few penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business level can even include:




  • A Dollar Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Based on the Iraq War





Comment Part Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait to find out a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a hotel in which my PTSD may have switch-down provider."


One more put up from @KuwaitiKardashian just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reviews suggest:




  • China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to make a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Ideas from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It needed gold. It essential a waterslide formed just like the Structure. I gave everything a few. You're welcome."

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